Lost

Just my thoughts late at night pass midnight , cause I really do not know who or where can I turn to anymore. 

It hurt that much that I couldn't even speak, but just sit at one corner of the house with despair, with absolute no control of what's coming along on my cheeks with my emotions. 

It's warm, that's the only thing I knew. 

I Thought I could protect you till the day I don't have the ability to , but I never thought it was this soon. 

My good intentions... Treated like shit... 

My care for you... Got mistaken... 

Your trust for me.... You doubted me...

My love for you... Ignored... 

Me to you... Nothing but a piece of shit trying to break things up between people, sensitive , whatever you can name. 

Nothing I do will ever be Enough for anyone, nothing.

I mean no one. Like really. 

I was NVR EVER ANYONE'S FUCKING CHOICE. NVR. 

neither anyone would  ask me to stay. 

When everything went pitch black, I knew everything is pointless. 

Our pictures replaced, everything becomes so dark. I'm scared. 

P.S. I'm really hurt this time. Having anything now is pointless. 

Hidden words

It's more than half past midnight , here I am , trying to put my thoughts into words . It's been long since I wrote, I guess it's time to try to express myself , for I dont know how much more can I bottle up. 

So what if I like you? So what if I say I'm in love with you? Does it really matter ? 

Things are just getting from bad to worse , the attitude becomes very different from the past. 

Sweet talks, hugs , I love yous , midnight chats and many more. 

Now, it's the exact opposite. But this is not exactly what saddens me. 

What if you like someone who doesn't trust you? Although one denies, but the actions proves otherwise. 

You know you fail as a friend when they choose or act like they don't trust you even when they know what a person you actually are. 

I guess I fail as a friend.

And what if you've fallen for a person who doesn't have feelings for you anymore ? 

It feels like it's me having those one-sided thinking. 

I like you, but I know you don't care. Is it time for me to let go? 

Am I that insignificant to you? 

How I wished I could pack my bags now and leave this place , and never come back. My presence does not matter anyway. 

Till the day I leave, I know there won't be anybody who would actually ask me to stay for them, there's no reason for me to stay anymore? 

Because my reason have always been you. 

To ever get doubt by the person you like, is the worse feeling ever. Especially when they doubt you because of others. 

After being with me for so long, is my personality that worth doubting for you? 

Or am I just a person like this In your eyes right from the start? 

Will anyone believe me ? 

From last time till now, I try to forgive each and single one around me who hurts me, but when can those people who hurt me , let me off ? And let me live happily? With the one I like 

Until today , I still want all of them to be Happy, and that's from the bottom of my heart. 

I'm in love with someone , someone whom I don't know if feels the same way. 

I'm in love with someone , someone whom I doesn't even know cares and give a damn for my presence. 

Just who am I to you? What do I mean to to you? Nevertheless.. I hate to say this , but you're the only one that I've fallen so deeply in love with , even if I have to act like I don't like you , I hope one day you'll understand 

Yes, till forever, there for you. 

Even if it's being there for you at one corner where no one can see. :) 

Woken up

Three words to describe myself :

Ridiculous ; disgusting ; sensitive .

All these while I guess I have been wrong to blame it on others , when actually the problem had always been lying on me . 

I woke up realizing it was all about me. 

I sincerely apologize if anyone suffered .

Though I probably have to agree that you can't find any flaws in describing me using those three words , however it's still quite hard for me to accept that it all was my fault . 

People often identify your imperfections as though they're perfect.

The reason for arguments...

The reason for bickers...

The reason for unhappiness...

I made you the reason for them . 

When you sum it all up, and all you can find behind the word reason , are two letters ; me. 

In this process of changing, guess I'm losing every other thing I possess. 

I feel different now . Letting go of so many things , so many thoughts , so many of the voices inside me . 

I've said it before , we let go of things , simply because of the reason it's too heavy. 

The thought of being called sensitive , being called ridiculous by the someone I care for the most in the entire world, Someone I could sacrifice anything for,   the thought of being so disgusting as a person, warms up my cheek. 

Don't love me, cause I will never be good enough for you. 

Advance Goodnights to everyone :) 

Who am I

Often, many people tend to escape from their very own feelings, from how they feel, from how much these so-called "feelings"  are gonna bring them hurt and inflict pain on them mentally.
We all know, the infliction inside us, hurts much more then the pain you could actually feel physically.
A pity most of us find ourselves in that category - One of the many people that chooses to avoid their feelings. And that includes me.
We are all afraid of our own emotions.
I used to run and hide from my feelings especially when i felt something that was upsetting, painful, uncomfortable, or even something that made me angry about.
But overtime, i know I've got to learnt to accept something called my feelings. Something called my emotions.
 Because if I don't embrace them, its impossible for me to work through anything.

Why do people come up to me and tell me that they do not have a choice for the decisions made in their life? I have been struggling so hard just to understand that.

Indeed not everything we want, is gonna be given to us.

But for those readers reading this, have you forgotten to listen to that little voice inside yourself? 

The little voice that is the truest part of your soul, the key to your happiness. 

Ever know why you lost touch with your little voice in you?

Because you lost touch with your heart. Thoughts and voices of people got too loud that you can't hear yourself. 

Nobody but you knows what is right for you, so listen to your instincts.

  

Recently, life has not been "normal" for me. It seems like it gets "extraordinary surprises" as the numbers move on the calender. 

Its so hard to express myself with words when they don't seem to be able to figure out within themselves.

I know exactly what it is like to sit alone in the room, broken down, bruised inside out, wanting to get connected to someone. 

As much as i want to be there for people, as much as i want to be there for them to get through the darkest days, who's gonna stand by my side when i need someone? 

Coincidentally, whenever in need for someone, no one is free. 

The world don't stop revolving just for me. I've got to constantly remind myself that. 

When it comes to a time when someone cared to take little notice of you, does it still matter? 

Because every time I don't express myself, i die one piece at a time. 

I am half agony, half hope. 

I'm starting to realize how grateful one should be that when no matter how broken the heart may feel, it still has a beat.

Because I'm losing it. 

Because I'm losing my ability to feel. 

Because I'm losing that one piece that held every piece of my heart together. 

We hold on to the things we cannot change, and we end up losing ourselves. 

But no one told me that when your heart start letting go of things slowly, the ability to feel starts to fade. 

Because it is necessary to let things go simply for the reason that they are heavy. 

I'm Lost. 

Whenever I close my eyes

Do you have days where you get upset for no reason? 

Or perhaps there's a reason behind it, unknowingly your soul is devoured by sadness. 

However subconsciously, you'll be able to disclose the truth behind your frown. 

Do you find him attractive?

will you still go back to him?

if he decides to do something , you'll be mesmerize over him for sure

Just because he's better looking, he can play with everyone, as and when he likes. 

Thoughts... My thoughts are driving me crazy... I just can't stop... I'm sorry... 

I'm sad... Gosh.. Although it's in the past , but I can't get it out my mind. I tried very hard. 

If it's you, can you get it out of your mind? is that so easy? 

P.S. Whenever I close my eyes, it gets me every time. 

4 letters

Today's my first day of school. Orientation week. 

Words can speak a lot for someone. But to me, today can be summed up with just bearly one sentence :

I knew when I had to let go of you this morning, I'm letting you suffer within  your disastrous emotions, I wished to be there. 

Although I'm in school, I'm preoccupied by this someone, be it my heart or my mind. I'll stare at a certain place , or be in a daze. 

Unknowingly , my heart whispers...

Hearing songs that say, wanting to see a person but when you can't... 

It's definitely legit. 

At the end of everyday, every single day without this person by my side , I'll tell myself at night before I sleep

I'm aware, this person is feeling bad , real bad inside due to certain circumstances , the life of a normal teenager is taken away. 

Although I don't say it out , but .. 

No matter how hard things get, how strong the waves are gonna be, I know we are gonna sail through it together. I'll be there for you. Always. 

And yes, the 4 letter word in my life is bless. Bless to have you here with me. <3

Ignite Within Darkness

Sweet moments , sound too worn out? Especially wearying to hear those words, when it is actually arduous to be found in our lives. Scarce to be found. 

Get back to reality. Sweet moments do occur. But not all the time. Do you actually have dark moments ? I'm certain many of us do bump into such encounters. 

It's alright for the sun to be taking a rest at times. 

Feeling sad? My hugs are meant for you.  Feeling down? My shoulders are here for you. Feeling angry? My ears are here for you. Feeling lost in the dark? My hands are here for you. The spaces between my fingers will always be meant for you to fill them up. 

If you are gonna fall in the dark, I'll be here to help you up. 

Walking through the darkness , let's ignite light through them. 

I'm gonna guide you the way, in my arms. 

Trust me for once, you will not get lost. 

Trust me for once, I'll show you the journey to the sun. 

 

Keep in mind, I'll always be here, to make it through with you.